Trying to figure out what to write — took me the better part of a year…So sorry about that. Thinking about what to say, I came up with different things so maybe this one has three parts.

Firstly a story…. The first time I ended up in psych ward, it was for four days. I spent one day in EPS and three days in psych ward itself. Idk did I have some issues for a while? Maybe but you gotta understand….my family is sexually nasty to me…and I’ve always acted out from time to time…breaking a lamp or ripping a door off it’s hinges….just didn’t seem too big to me, after all the weird things they used to say and tried to do…….

I didn’t know how long I’d be in there until I was let out. Which is disgusting. IF these people are doctors they should give you an estimate of how much time you need to spend in the mental ward…not just tell you you’re crazy and “maybe permanently” to scare you.

We had to do stupid art groups. And I couldn’t even eat at first. Though I wasn’t big on salad before I went anyways. And they didn’t bother to ask if I was vegetarian or not.. I was so depressed and scared. I almost went out of my mind, never mind the subsequent times…when my family would send me over an argument or because they wanted some time without me in the house….. I kept to myself anyways.

The last day we got milkshakes….and watched part of a movie before they made us go back to our rooms. I was unenthused and disheartened about life. I went back home and was angry — especially at mother saying “you’re lucky I let you back here”. Like wtf does that have to do with anything.

Anyways, this happened numerous times and for lengthy stays over the years and is still going on right now. I’ve been threatened and attacked physically by them….I filed police reports and talked to mental ward staff. They don’t care. Once you’re labeled crazy –they can get away with it.

One time I was threatened with a life stay or hand over my bank account info….the black woman who threatened me worked at Momentum…she took all $6,000 out of my bank account and came back the next day with a new car. Don’t know how many people she had already threatened cash out of.

I shouldn’t have fallen for it….but you try being locked in a mental institute for a year and a half with no social support and see how you fare.

Part 2/3 is here…..I’m currently on SSI cuz they labeled me crazy and I was like hey sure free cash….and I get $1400 a month now. Which won’t let me move out but I keep trying…

This one time I bought a house….but I reneged on it…Here’s my experience in short:

I did all the research online and even took a housing course that is required in some cases for home ownership help. I shopped around and talked to lenders online and I was so nervous I requested to do mostly text interactions instead of phone calls like as is usual.

I found a cheap place finally in San Andreas (I was told the others were too expensive) and the lender agreed to work with me though they don’t usually do this.. I factored in space rent which was incredibly cheap for the property. I could afford it. I could afford the mortgage on the mobile unit and the space rent. It was cheap about $35,000 maybe for the place. It would be hard on the budget but not impossible.

I actually went through and signed the contracts over email and bought it. Then I reneged…I don’t know why…it was so far away…and I had stupidly told mother….who I was going to keep contact with at least for a while..and she only had bad things to say….and it nagged at me….and I was worried about the earthquakes recently…and I backed out. Ain’t no other way to say it.

I’m 36 btw…white female. about 5 feet tall. green eyes…bleached blonde hair….there …now you have a picture of me.

I’m still trying and looking though…even though someone else bought that place….i’m so sad…it even had a fence that could have been fixed up so my dogs would have had outdoor time…and they told me I could install AC if I wanted.. which is 100% a necessity in California..if you ask me it’s dangerous not to have it…though I went up through age 18 without having had it at home.

Part 3 I guess I should show you some of my story I’ve been writing…so I’ll give you guys a snippet…and if anyone is reading this (thanks for the people who already did and commented or said hi!) then maybe you could send me some feedback…just give me your opinion positive negative or in between is fine.

I’m planning to self-publish on kdp – i already have a really short book out but it’s not selling. I’m really trying with this one though. It should be novella length once I’m done:

“At least I still have my cat”

(copyright me)

I sit alone in my quiet RV. My cat called “Muffins” naps quietly also.

I’m so tired, worn out, feeling useless.

There’s no money here.

I’m working a home business and trying to find work constantly.

But no luck for the poor white girl.

Idk.

Seems life was easier back when I was still making love to my only ever bf, Jake.

But that was 2012.

..

Now i’m in my 30s

And I should’ve gotten a life by now.

I know that he did.

Jake was infamous. (in a rock band).

Now I’m…still here….

In San Jose. Living paycheck to paycheck. (On SSI since I got thrown in psych for that one time I got drunk and started making a scene of myself in public. And they decided I was crazy).

>Now i’m legally bipolar??<

>How does that even add up??<

So..back to the RV.

Muffins approaches. And I light scritch her chin. Muffins is a white cat with a stripey grey tail. /She’s my closest ally. Here in the world of trailer trash and forgotten dreams../

The people here sleep without dreaming and cry without knowing why. But not me. >I still have that<..>that reason why<..>and I still have Muffins<>Maybe the two are connected<

..

So Jake.

I’ve been thinking about him and I like to think I’m kind of “in-tune” so to speak, which means he might reappear in my life in some way shape or form..and sometime soon..

I put a pot on the stove.

My RV is equipped with everything I need. And I know the next step up is a mobile home. Which is a lot closer to a house than this monster on wheels. But it’s a hefty step up and I’m broke, as I said.

2000 on SSI a month and 100 on home business here or there. I can pay rent and the RV itself was a gift. From my mother. Before she died and she was still bitter.

..

The RV is pink and white inside with a small table and bench seats with the same colored print on the cushions.There’s a small stove and oven, a sink, also fairly small. With a bed in the back of the RV and a shower with a bathroom. There’s some other things equipped and I put some rugs down to match the paint as well. I wash my dishes by hand, in my dinky sink. There’s also a mini-fridge since I have to keep food somehow. And we’re hooked up in a park. (so you know we’re legit).

Not located at the nearby too-expensive beach. But in sunny San Jose.

Where it’s always windy and never really cold.

But it can be. And so are the people. I went to community college in the next town over. If we’re going to talk about me.

I never studied anything really. It didn’t seem like anything wanted my attention….It didn’t seem like I was going anywhere anyways..

So I don’t have a degree. I don’t have really any kind of job experience due to PTs that never worked out and only succeeded in draining me further, strength and patience wise.

I always ended up getting fired because I was late to work and didn’t have “reliable transportation” in the form of an actual car.

But anyways.

Today it’s a work in progress. The car thing. I’ve searched through catalogs of cars and found some cheap used ones but I need to be sure. I know nothing about cars. Which is strange because one of the things I had a sort-of interest in was mechanics. I don’t want a lemon.

I wish I had any kind of friends who knew about this junk but that’s a miss as well. Due to my lack of a social life. My social life seemed to flee after the “bipolar episode” and everyone stopped talking to me like a bad disease.

And you say that they don’t know anything about mental health stigma. The only “stigma” around mental health is that they know what actually causes it, your shithead family, and they find out about you and avoid it like the plague in case the next phone call they get is your long lost family trying to control your sex life again.

No one wants to catch that STD.

..

I understand.

They all left.

I guess that I do.

Muffins rolls over from where she’s strutted to the space at the back of the other bench seat, where she most likes to snuggle and sleep. She wants me to pay attention to her and stop tapping away at the keyboard but.

I need to get this chapter done. I need to sell something to get cash even if this book only ever makes it to the dollar store.

And old used shoes, on ebay, aren’t cutting it to pay the bills right now. And actually on ebay, though all my old clothes and gadgets are listed, I haven’t sold a single thing or had more than a couple views and email hecklers.

END CHAPTER 1

Alright -tell me what you thought of it! I kinda like the “voice” I used for this one.

It’s a WIP –I have 17 chapters so far.

I’ll let you know when it’s up for sale.. And it won’t be too expensive.

Ignore me, I’m just …drifting back into the net for now….I’ll hopefully be back to write some more. Maybe once a month or more or less often.. we’ll see..

I’m kinda intimidated by this thing. blog writing. okay well over and out.